if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
