Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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