Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
