I think my vagina is haunted
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
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You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sorry my hands just texted you
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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