so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Please don't give away my fajitas
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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