She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
