My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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