fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
