Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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