i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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