I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
