they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
