omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
