Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
