I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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