just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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