Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
