I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
