How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
