I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
