I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
