oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
