I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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