I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My bed smells like the plague
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
