How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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