We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
