guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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