Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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