Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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