Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
