three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
