everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You ruined the universe
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
