Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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