i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
