According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
