Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
