I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
