My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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