Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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