My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
