the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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