I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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