You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
