he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
