i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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