New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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