shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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