Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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