so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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