umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Then you guys just all showered together...?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I just sharted jello shots
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