You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
