it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
