I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
do nipples grow back?
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