Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
