The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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