Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
