kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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