I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
